A Modest Proposal for the Homeless Hotel Debacle

Instead of dumping $30-$50 million every few months….

It seems like we are enduring a constant kerfuffle over whether or not to extend the now ended federally funded, Covid-emergency “hotels for homeless” program with state tax dollars. Lots of them. Twenty million here, thirty million there…. The latest House budget proposal allocates a whopping $50 million. Clearly Vermonters can’t afford this. But, as Ronald Reagan warned, there is nothing so close to immortal as a government program.

So, instead of pouring out hundreds of millions of dollars year after year to put up these 1500 individuals/families in a bunch of derelict motel-no-tells, how about we spend a fraction of that just one time to everyone’s benefit and be done with the problem. How? Buy these people a cruise ship!

I did the research!

We can get one listed on Yacht World for $33 million. That’s just the asking price. Surely the state can use its influence to get an even better deal.  It can accommodate over 3500 people, and according to the description in the classified ad,  

Most recently refurbished in 2016, this 880 foot luxury cruise ship welcomes up to 2,767 guests and 912 crew members. Passengers [Those experiencing homelessness] can enjoy a rock climbing wall, a basketball court and a casino, plus four bars and multiple lounges. Guests can also choose from six dining venues. Ocean View and Suite cabins, all of which come outfitted with flat-screen TVs and minibars. Thanks to a dazzling, top to bottom renovation, this popular 880’ cruise ship is more majestic than ever. Guests [Those experiencing homelessness] will enjoy a newly remodeled pool deck, 2 pools, 4 hot tubs, expanded Day Spa & Fitness Center, plus tastefully refurbished staterooms, featuring luxurious bedding and eye-popping flat-screen TVs and more.  

There IS more! Such as on-board medical/hospital facilities, a library, a conference center, laundry, and shopping venues.

What’s not to love? Park the thing in Burlington Bay or Shelburne Bay and leave them to it. I looked at the nautical charts and there’s plenty of space to accommodate the S.S. Bernie’s Mittens’ 28-foot draft. My idea; I get to name the boat!

Now, obviously the on-board Johnny Rockets and Café Latte-tudes aren’t going to continue operating following this change of mission for The Mittens, as she will affectionately be known, nor will the kiosks selling tacky clothing, commemorative key chains, and suntan lotion. But that infrastructure can be re-purposed and managed by the residents (or others, I suppose) for their own entrepreneurial enterprises. Open a convenience store… a salon… laundry service… a snack shack to serve the community. Put the inmates in charge of the operation and have them be responsible for the upkeep of their floating neighborhood.  

If this idea works, great! We will have saved Vermont taxpayers tens of millions of dollars if not more, and we will have successfully provided not just shelter, but economic opportunities and the infrastructure for on-location support facilities for folks currently living in distress. If it doesn’t work and they end up just trashing the place, we can always take the thing out into the middle of the lake and turn it into an artificial reef for the benefit of marine life and SCUBA tourism -- after disembarking the residents, of course. Maybe on the New York side.

The S.S. Bernie’s Mittens is currently berthed in Port Washington, New York. I bet we could have it here by Monday. Then maybe everyone could just shut the bleep up about this issue and can move along to solving the property tax crisis before the rest end up experiencing homelessness too.

• Rob Roper is a freelance writer with 20 years of experience in Vermont politics including three years service as chair of the Vermont Republican Party and nine years as President of the Ethan Allen Institute, Vermont’s free market think tank.

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Media Notes: In case you missed my appearance on WVMT’s Morning Drive on Thursday, April 18, you can find the link to the replay HERE.

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